Kant. Hegel. Rawls. They dedicated years in pursuit of the truths of the human existence. But they are all dwarfed by the towering simplicity of the beer god's philosophy: Drink Honey Brown Lager.

The beer god has spoken volumes, but at the root of all of it is that single core value. The eternal struggle to understand man's purpose, meaning and place in the universe suddenly doesn't seem all that important when you've got a few ice cold Honey Brown Lagers in you.

It may be difficult to grasp initially, but you will come
to understand once you hear the beer god speak:

*   "Honey Brown only beer you need."

*   "Don't anger beer god. Drink Honey Brown!"

*   "Drink Honey Brown or all your mules die."

*   "Drink Honey Brown. This not request."

*   "Buy Honey Brown Lager, pick up lottery ticket. Leave rest to beer god."

*   "Best thing to go with wine...Honey Brown Lager."

*   "You not find beer god attractive? You drink more Honey Brown Lager!"

*   "When shopping put many cases of Honey Brown Lager in shopping cart, wheel stop wobbling."

Holidays
Despite his stern demeanor, the beer god encourages the celebration of holidays. Especially those that offer an opportunity to consume Honey Brown Lager. His enthusiasm for them is passed on to the workers who labor in his barley fields and enjoy six full holidays every century and a half day for each appearance of Haley's Comet.

The beer god speaks about St. Patrick's Day:

*    There once was a man named Mick. Of the girls he had his pick. They'd flirt and they'd coo. Cause they'd heard it was true. He had a most impressive... Honey Brown Lager!

*    Drink Honey Brown Lager: beer god give you luck of Irish.

Drink other beer: beer god give you teeth of English.

The beer god speaks about Halloween:

*   "Drink Honey Brown Lager this Halloween or beer god egg house!"

*   "Boo!"

*   "Avoid stupid costume. Go to Halloween party as beer god."

*   "This Halloween, drink Honey Brown Lager. Forget you dress like idiot!"

*   "Beer god Halloween rules: 1. Drink Honey Brown Lager 2. Don't go in the cellar!"

The beer god speaks about Christmas:

*  "Beer god not care who naughty or nice as long as you buy Honey Brown Lager!"

*  "Honey Brown Lager perfect gift for anyone with mouth!"

*  "Elves can't hold liquor. That why beer god make Honey Light Lager!"

The beer god speaks about New Year's:

*  For some, New Years is a time to look back on year and reflect on accomplishments. For others, New Years time to make goals for future. BOTH WRONG! New Years time to drink Honey Brown Lager!

Fashion
Though the beer god does not wear clothing (despite receiving misdemeanor citations in virtually every major city in the U.S.), he does allow his followers to dress any way they want. As long as that way involves a Honey Brown Lager T-shirt. T-shirts are a staple of beer merchandising. But wasn't always that way. In fact the beer god was the first to use T-shirts to sell beer when he handed out the now famous "The Republic Rules" T-shirts to Plato's students at the Acropolis. Another of the beer god's T-shirts gained notoriety when Eric the Red wore the beer god's "This mead's for me!" T-shirt on his visits to the New World.

The beer god speaks on T-shirts:

*   "Fancy 100% cotton T-shirt cost beer god lot of money. Buy Honey Brown Lager now!"

*   Is that Honey Brown Lager in pocket? Or you just happy to see beer god?

Pollution
The beer god is deeply concerned about preserving the beauty of our natural environment. His personal cause has been the elimination of the glut of outdoor advertising that has become such blight on the American landscape. With the exception, of course, of those billboards which deliver important, socially significant messages like the following.

The beer god speaks from billboards:

*   "That not wife in car! You buy Honey Brown Lager or beer god tell!"

*   "Billboard cost beer god $6,518. Buy Honey Brown Lager now!"

*   "Everyone, stop wasting money on Titanic! Buy Honey Brown Lager!"

*   "You in '68 Impala, sell car, buy six-pack of Honey Brown Lager."

*   You, in Porsche, buy Honey Brown Lager! What you think beer god not see   
through tinted windows?"

*   "You, put down cell phone, only listen to beer god! Buy Honey Brown Lager!"

*   "You, driving Budweiser truck! Repent!"

Education
Though he recently celebrated his eleven hundred and thirty third birthday at a star-studded gala in Hollywood, the beer god has an unusually keen understanding of youth. Having once been grounded for 600 years himself, he knows how difficult it can be for a young adult to find his or her way.

The beer god speaks to college students:

*  "Honey Brown Lager make college best seven years of your life."

*  "In Psych. 101, beer god learn about reverse psychology. Don't buy Honey Brown Lager!"

*  "No money for Honey Brown Lager? What you think student loan for?"

*  "Stop wasting quarters on laundry. Buy Honey Brown Lager!"

*  "If you not look older than beer god, be prepared to show I.D."

*  "When beer god in college, used to swallow goldfish. You lucky. Get to swallow
Honey Brown Lager."

*  "Answer to first question on mid-term: "Battle of Hastings." Now you owe beer god!
Buy Honey Brown Lager!"

Health and Fitness
One look at the beer god's buff physique tells you all you need to know about how important maintaining a healthy lifestyle is to the beer god. Although he would never ascribe any health benefit to drinking beer, the beer god can personally attest to the fact that drinking light beer is vastly more enjoyable than liposuction. Particularly his Honey Light Lager.

The beer god speaks about health and fitness:

*   "Look down. You see feet, buy Honey Brown Lager. You not see feet, buy Honey Light Lager."

*   "You look strong. How many cases of Honey Brown Lager can you carry to cash register?"

*   "You try Honey Light Lager for one week. If not fully satisfied with result, you
try for two weeks."

*   "Honey Light Lager less filling. Buy more!"

*   "Beer god see all from up here. Maybe Honey Brown Lager cure your dandruff."

*   "Beer god make light beer, so you can carry more!"

Things that hold beer
Few of this century's eminent philosophers have dedicated as much time to the topic of beer receptacles as the beer god.

The beer god speaks about glasses:

*   "Some look at glass and say, 'half full.' Others look at glass and say, 'half empty.'
Beer god look at glass and say, "Time for more Honey Brown Lager!"

The beer god speaks about jugs:

*    "Good jug like good person: both can hold much Honey Brown Lager."

*    "Buy two. It like six-pack without annoying plastic thingy."

*    "Buy two. Have people tell you - nice jugs."

*    "Two jugs better than one. Three better than two...etc., etc."

*    "Honey Brown Lager in jug good. Honey Brown Lager in stomach better."

*    "Some nutritionists say one beer a day good for health. Not say what size beer!"

The beer god speaks about kegs:

*    "Take keg home. Make better pet than dog. Unless dog full of Honey Brown Lager."

*    "You buy glass of Honey Brown: beer god happy. You buy keg: beer god have
to change underwear."

*    "Beer god etiquette rule # 6: When you drink Honey Brown keg at home, always use coaster!"

Beer God Brain Teasers

*   Q. How many Honey Brown Lagers you need to drink to please beer god?

A. More!

*   Q: Train leave station at 1:00 p.m., go 70 mph, how far train at 6:00 p.m.?

A: Drink Honey Brown Lager.

*   Q: If Honey Brown Lager truck can carry 138,240 ounces of delicious Honey Brown Lager
and there twelve ounces in can and twenty four cans in case, how much Honey Brown Lager
should you buy?

A: More!

Can you beat the beer god?

Beer god challenge you to staring contest. Loser must go out and buy case of Honey Brown Lager. Ready... begin!

©1998 HighFalls Brewing Company.