News Archive -  March 2005

   

3-31-2005

Newsflash. Terri Schiavo has died. Now the government can get back to some important things like the crushing national debt, the collapsing Social Security system and how about that little thing I like to call war?

Net Enigma.  If women are supposed to be so good at multitasking why are 3-ways always out of the question?

Tried that new Coca-Cola with lime in it yesterday.  Now, obviously the lime isn't real but it wasn't totally undrinkable (unlike the Pepsi with lemon that I wouldn't use to de-rust a bumper). 

I doubt that I'd buy it again just to drink but I can definitely see buying it for parties.  Rum and Coke with the lime already in it?  Yeah, buddy. 

If the glove doesn't fit

You must be dead?  Johnnie Cochran is dead.  I won't lose any sleep over it.  I'm sure OJ will be at his funeral, maybe the real killers will show up and we'll finally get to the bottom of that whole murder thing.

Newsflash

Asia?  God hates you.   

Question of the Day

Is she dead yet?  Is she dead yet? Is she dead yet? Is she dead yet? Is she dead yet? No? Okay, maybe tomorrow.

O' Canada

So, remember that shitty auction I sold to Canada the other day?  I got this nice email from the guy that won it:

Dear eric,

hi,eric today, i received the fujitsu modem. thank you for the fast delievery. but unfortuntly, it does not work. i am sure it is the problem of this modem because when I changed to another modem, it works. anyway, i am not plan to return this modem, because it costed me 1 dollars to buy from you, it is not worth to return it for 1 dollar back. i guess you donot know if it works or not. anyway, i am not planning to leave negative feedback on ebay, nor positive feedback.

I felt I should answer his email.

Dear Allen King,
I do not know if the modem works, it was fine when it was last powered off.  Maybe the technology here in the US is more advanced than it is in the non-English speaking parts of the world and Canada. 

Perhaps it just doesn't work with the DSL service you purchased from Tundra Telephone?  Seeing as the eBay auction was not intended for non-US customers, I didn't research your service to make sure your $0.99 modem would work with it before I accepted your money.

Thank you for not leaving me a negative feedback because you were not able to follow the instructions in my auction and failed to research the product before buying it.  I'll be sure to leave you positive encouragement in your goal to speak English.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to leave you positive eBay feedback.  Bumping up your feedback score of 4 is not high on my priority.  Besides, I'm sure you'll really be unhappy after you receive my bill of $450.00 for the time it took me to respond to all your email.

   Eric...

3-24-2005

Net Enigma. 

Today marks the 7th day since Terri Schiavo had her feeding tube removed.  Unable to deal with the moral dilemma, France has surrendered to Florida.

God rested. 

No word on a taxpayer refund from Bush for the jet fuel used in his midnight rush to D.C. Sunday.

Newsflash

An oil refinery in Texas exploded yesterday killing 14.  Tomorrow, gas prices explode past $3.00 a gallon, road rage ensues, 43 people dead on Southern California highways.

Okay, I made that last part up.  Or did I?

Pure Genius

Or a couple fat blunts.  Not sure which but this has to be the coolest gimmicks for a party I've ever seen:  The sideways room.

3-23-2005

Net Enigma.  Being this pissed off all the time is becoming hard work.

Welcome to spring in upstate New York.  This little present was on my car Monday morning.  But, it was bright and sunny yesterday and all that snow is gone already.  And that's a good thing, because brown, wet grass hides the blood better than snow.

Now I get it

Now I know why it is that we have to pay $3 a gallon for our gas.  It helps create jobs in the Middle East which puts food on the table, clothes on their back and cars in their garage.  And those people in Dubai also need a place to live.

Newsflash

Net Enigma.com just deemed offensive by new Utah law.  Mormon's upset over loss of future Advent Calendars.  Readership in a tailspin.

Mr. Peanut banned

Put the PB&J down and back away slowly.  Medina County, Ohio schools have outlawed peanuts in their schools because a student is allergic.  Florida schools soon to follow with ban on skin cancer causing sun.

In related news, Net Enigma will soon ban society due to an adverse allergic reaction to stupidity.

I think Kevin Smith gonna sue somebody

A pet store owner in Indiana claims that he has a turtle with Satan's face on the shell.  It only appeared after a fire at the store apparently scorched the shell.

Now, maybe it's just me, but I think that the image on the turtle's shell has more resemblance to Mooby, the mascot for the ubiquitous fast food chain in Kevin Smith's Red Bank family of movies.

But, you be the judge.

3-21-2005

Net Enigma.  Today I give you multiple lessons in stupidity.

I don't pay taxes so that the President of the US can fly from Texas to Washington to sign a law to keep one freakin' broad in Florida alive.  Don't you get it? 

Health insurance is going up everywhere and you're going to write a law that keeps brain dead people alive indefinitely?  Who's going to pay for that?  Oh, wait, ME!

Jesus fucking Christ!  If people can protest shit like this and the President jumps than I should damn well be able to withhold my taxes because I DO NOT agree to have my hard earned money wasted on this.

God damn it!

Here's another example of my frustration

State governments can't afford to spend money on education but it's fine to spend it on legislation to keep 1 person alive?  And when a college finds a way to earn some money, all the right-wing conservatives crawl out and cry foul! 

Well if you don't like the way Pierce college is earning extra income, why don't all you rich Californian's donate some money? 

And the "I'm a fucking tool" award goes to this guy Oliver for this quote: "If we know they're going to do something that's pornographic, we would say no," Oliver said. "We have said no to a couple of shoots before. Photography is one thing, but when you get multiple people involved... when you co-mingle people, that's not art."

"Co-mingling" people isn't art?  Does that apply to all art?  Because if so, someone should pull Michelangelo's corpse out of the ground and have him scrape that affront to society off the ceiling over at the Sistine Chapel. 

Morons.

It's not limited to the US

What's my stance on Canada?  That's right.  And now they're just as happy to sue as we are.

Lack of sex education and the pharmacy won't stock condoms, teen pregnancy rate is up?  Surely you jest?

I have nothing else to say about any of this that is either relevant or true.
 

3-19-2005

Net Enigma.  What you're about to read is real and may be graphic in nature.

Fuck Canada.  And fuck eBay.

I was cleaning out a bunch of shit from my apartment a week ago and one of the things I had in a box was my old DSL modem from when I lived in York.  So I figured I'd stick it on eBay and maybe make a couple dollars off of it.  Well, I opened the bidding at $0.99 with no reserve and set it as a US only auction.  Five days go by and in the last couple of minute someone sticks  a $1.00 bid on it.  It ends.  Guess what? 

That's right, the guy is in Canada.  I didn't list shipping fees for outside the US in the auction so now I have to quote him a price.  The price on the USPS.com web site, with some extra padding thrown in, is $8.  So, I tell the guy it's $8.99.  He pays with PayPal.  Yay.  I go and ship the package today and guess what, it's not $8 it's $8.95 shipping.  So, now my auction sale looks like this:

Selling Price $0.99
Shipping Charge $8.00
Listing Fee -$0.25
eBay Final Value Fee -$0.05
Shipping Fee -$8.95
PayPal Fee -$0.56
Total Auction Winnings -$0.82

It cost me 82 cents to sell this fuckin' Canadian a modem...and guess what?  The fucking moron never bothered to look up the details on it because I'm pretty sure that unless Canada is 5 years behind the US in technology, this modem probably ISN'T going to work for him.  And I hope it doesn't.

Survival of the Fittest

Mother nature has a very basic concept and that is survival of the fittest.  When a herd of animals is getting too big and there isn't enough food, the strongest will survive while the weak die out or get beat down by the stronger animals.  Sick animals are culled by their disease or by animals hunting them.  Mother nature always regulates, though.

Humans, however, have totally thrown that regulation out the window.  Life support systems, feeding tubes, hospitals and "human rights" have all extended life beyond what it should have been for some. 

I'm talking, of course, about Terri Schiavo and the fact that they pulled her feeding tube yesterday.  After 15 years of court battles, untold millions in hospital expenses and demonstrations that have caused the case to go all the way to the Federal Government, I'm really hoping that this is all about to come to an end.

This woman will never be able to walk, talk or be productive. She can't feed herself, dress herself or ask for anything.  She will never be a member of society again and I think it's selfish for her parents to keep her alive.  Let her die in peace and move on. 

Tax dollars at work

I find the fact that Congress held hearings about steroids in Baseball insulting.  We are in a war, the country is falling apart, gas is heading for $3 a gallon, Social Security is ready to collapse, the job market sucks balls and all you motherfuckers can find to do is yell at Bud Selig about whether or not Jose Conseco's balls shrunk into his stomach?  Gimme a fuckin' break.

Are steroids a problem in MLB?  Maybe...probably.  But let the league take care of it.  MLB?  Start your testing.  Congress?  Get to work on something important like cutting your overblown salaries and serve the people of this country.

Happy Birthday

Yes, happy second birthday to the Iraq war. 

3-17-2005

I don't know how, but I almost forgot that today was St. Patrick's Day! I'll have to run down a Guinness later, and so should you!

Net Enigma.  Give someone you love a creamy treat.

Post traumatic stress syndrome.  Soldiers returning from war suffer from it, hostages, those traumatized by terrorist attacks, women who almost breast feed babies...

Wait.  Huh?  Yep, that's right.  This broad in Colorado had just had a baby and she was planning on breast feeding.  Well, the nurses goofed and brought the wrong baby in.  When the baby wouldn't nurse, the woman took her cap off and realized it was her daughter because the hair color was wrong.

Now she's suing the hospital for negligence.  She claims she can't work and has been diagnosed with traumatic stress syndrome.

I swear to God I'm missing out on a lawsuit in my life.  Somewhere in my daily routine I must be walking past at least a half dozen things I could get some money out of. 

Tick-tock, tick-tock

Hear that, Scott?  That's the sound of the clock ticking down to your lethal injection.  For murdering your wife and unborn child you are now sentenced to death.  Good riddance.

In other news, Robert Blake got off for killing his wife.  I have a hard time believing that the guy that played a character named after a famous weapons manufacturer didn't do it.

Innovation

Apple, always on the cutting edge of technology is developing a new input device; a two button mouse!

Will miracles never cease?

3-11-2005

Net Enigma.  I'm sorry, the pity store is closed today.

The Prime Minister of Italy is looking for some heads to roll over the shooting of his security officer the other day.

Now, I feel bad, this guy got shot while driving a former hostage to the airport to get her out of Iraq. But, remember, Iraq is still a war zone.

I look at it like this; if you're going somewhere on official business you better damn well tell people who you are, where you're going, what you're driving and what time you'll be where. If not, don't cry when you get lit up at a checkpoint for not stopping or obeying rules.

I highly doubt that anyone in the military targeted that convoy. My money is on them not signaling or complying with the checkpoint guards and they got shot. When people are blowing up cars at checkpoints and police stations, you can't be to careful.

Retirement

Sort of.  Dan Rather stepped down as the news anchor for the CBS Evening News on Wednesday night.  I'm sad to see him go.  I know a lot of people don't like Dan, but for the last 24 years his news broadcast was the only one I watched on a regular basis.  I remember when he took over for Walter Cronkite and now Dan too has retired from the desk.

I guess he'll still be reporting for 60 Minutes and 48 Hours so he won't be completely out of the public eye.  And Bob Schiefer is a good choice to as the new anchor.

3-8-2005

Net Enigma.  Giving millions the confidence to whack off in private.

Men all over the world are rejoicing today on the news that Shannon Elizabeth has split from her husband.  Now, it's not like anyone reading here has a shot with her, but it now leaves the door open for the star of the American Pie movies to include some more nakedness in her movies or whatever.

3-4-2005

Net Enigma.  I had money in there but I spent it on luxury items like food and rent.

I think it might be time to drop M&T Bank as my local money establishment.  If you recall, I ran into an idiot teller there a couple months back who had trouble figuring out how to dole out cash.

Yesterday I went in at lunch as I had some rebate checks from some stuff I bought back in November on Black Friday.  Well, mixed in was a personal check for $10 for an eBay auction I'd sold.  So, I hand the girl the checks and my ID, driver's license and M&T Bank debit card, and the girl goes through the checks writing my license number and info on them.  She totals up the rebate checks and then reaches for the computer terminal when she hits the personal check.  Just like last time, this is where the IQ suddenly chills.

She punches in some numbers from the check, routing numbers, I guess, then looks at me and calls for Rick, the other teller.  She says that she can't find the account in the system.  So Rick takes a shot at it, punches in some numbers, and immediately calls for another broad.  I wait while she makes her way behind the counter and then she punches a couple numbers, looks at the check and says "This isn't one of our accounts."

They look a little closer at the check and this girl says "Oh, this says 'Manufacturers Bank and Trust,' that's not us."  Rick chimes in, "Oh, right we're...um 'Manufacturers and Traders Bank.'"  Glad you know who signs your paycheck, Rick.

At this point all three turn and look at me, almost as if it's rehearsed, and the last broad on the scene says, "This isn't a check from our bank." 

My reply, which I think summed up the situation very well, was, "So?"

Blank stares.

"It's a $10 check made out to me and I want to cash it.  Why is that a problem?"

"Oh," says the broad, "do you have an account with us?"  She looks at the other two who blankly stare back.  Remember, the first broad that waited on me has not only seen both pieces of identification (one being an M&T debit card), but she wrote down that information on the checks...including the one in question.  The chick looks back at me with a question on her face.

"Yeah, I have an account."

"Oh, then just cash it against his account."  She walks away, Rick walks away, the original broad starts punching numbers on the calculator and I'm left there shaking my head.  I'm sure the look of disgust and impatience on my face was wasted on them.  I collected my cash, surprisingly she didn't ask "how I wanted it," and walked out.

I think it's time to investigate a new banking institution.  I don't think I can trust these people with my money.

I knew it!

White kids not named Eminem CAN rap!  And this video proves it.

Holy tits!

Everyone is linking this auction.  Why should we be different?

Yard Sale Season

If you are in Azusa California on March 11th why don't you stop by Tim Burton's place and pick up some items at his sale.  Movie props, fine crystal and clothing are on tap for this sale.  Scary scissor hands not mentioned.

All banks are Wal-Mart?

Don't think it could happen?  According to this report, Wal-Mart is looking into becoming a banking institution.  Putting aside the fact that WM has, in the past, educated its employees on how to file for public assistance among other shady practices, they could potentially lower the cost of financial transactions.

Get your groceries, new tires and mortgage all in one place.  Grab lunch in the cafe and pick up your new glasses and developed photos on the way out.  In the future, all stores are Wal-Mart.