News Archive - April 2007

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4-26-2007

Easy Rider

The Smoking Gun is notorious for posting celebrity riders, the contracts that spell out what a star should have in his or her dressing room before a show or appearance. Their latest is a really detailed rider for Sheryl Crow where she actually has specific liquor demands depending on what day of the week it is.

While interesting, it's nothing compared to the rider that I'd demand!

Monday: Hot Asian chick, fifth of Jack Daniels, 2 liter of Coke, six pack of Corona with lime, Irish Spring soap and a soft bath robe. Also, enough humus to cover said Asian, 24 pack of condoms, 10 day supply of penicillin (that dirty, dirty whore) and a family sized bag of Doritos. It's gonna be a loooong week!

Tuesday: Hot Eastern European biddy, six pack of Yuengling Lager, gallon of vodka, ball gag and a Tatu CD.

Wednesday: It's Margarita Wednesday, bitches! Bring on the sweet, sweet Latina, tequila and all the fixin's, sixer of Dos Equis and Ricky Martin queued up on Winamp.

Thursday: If it's Thirsty Thursday there must be a Canadian involved. How aboot a hot brunette from north of the border (think Shania Twain!), a baker's dozen of Labatt Ice, half gallon of moose piss and don't forget the Nickelback album, eh!

Friday: It's payday and time for happy hour and happy endings. Roll in a case of Grolsch, snag a Swedish beauty and crank up some Dreamgale.

Saturday: It's the weekend and that means you have all day, better double up on the chicks, crank up the grill, load in a keg of JW Dundee's Honey Brown lager and get yer freak on!

Sunday: Normally this is a day of rest but, fuckit, it's NASCAR day. We're gonna need a hot-but-trashy American broad, a dirty thirty of Pabst and some Skynyrd.

Rinse, repeat, bury me with a smile on my face!

4-20-2007

Thieving Bastards

It's time to get on the phone or crank up your letter writing skills and talk to your Senator or Congressman about the possible tax burden they want to impose on you.

Come November 1st the ban on taxes on ISP service will expire and the government is looking at not renewing it, or making it permanent. Either option could open the door for you to pay all the goofy taxes on your Internet connection just like you pay on your phone bill now.

If you like paying $19.99 a month for DSL or $9.99 for dial-up then you DON'T want this ban to expire.

And while you're on the phone, or writing your letter, also mention to them that you DON'T want to have to pay sales tax on items you've purchased out of state. I'm already bitter beyond words over having to pay sales tax on my NY State income tax statement every year, I definitely don't want to have to pay what could add up to a larger amount upfront.

Instead of making things like Bush's tax breaks permanent how about we don't, make the rich people actually pay some taxes and leave the rest of us poor people alone. It's getting so I might not even be able to sell my shit on eBay anymore. Like when I sell off things so that I can afford $3 a gallon for gas to get to work or so that I can pay the rent that just went up $30 a month.

4-17-2007

What Global Warming?

I don't know where any of you live but here we got almost a foot of snow by 5:00 yesterday. It was still snowing later but I don't feel like sticking a ruler into the snow bank to find just how deep it got.

The Ho is Dead

I'm white. Can I report on Ho or will that get me fired?

VA Tech

I had a whole post about the college shooting yesterday and then deleted it when I realized that my thoughts on that subject just don't mesh with the rest of society.

Two things stand out about the little bit of news I watched last night.

First, the press just can't seem to comprehend clear and concise answers from people. When someone asks "is the shooter from the dorm the same shooter in the classroom," and gets the answer "we're waiting for ballistics to make that determination" why does the VERY NEXT reporter ask the same damn question? I'm now of the opinion that the press is just as much to blame for the shitty state of affairs as the government or anyone else on certain topics.

Second, the question "how could this happen?" Well, let see:

Guy buys a gun.
Guy buys bullets.
Guy loads gun.
Guy shoots some people.

Seems pretty straight forward to me. (shrugs, looks around) Fuckit, I'm going to bed.

4-11-2007

Is it over?

Now that we know who Anna Nicole's baby daddy is can we finally stop making that pig the top story on every fucking news venue?

4-10-2007

Lucy Pinder

Up to this point Lucy hasn't had a problem getting all-but-naked for the camera. But that's all changed with a recent spread in "Nuts" magazine. She finally got those huge, beautiful knockers out for the world to see.

Enjoy!

4-8-2007

I hate the Dentist

So Friday I went to the Dentist to have a small cavity filled and get a cleaning. Not bad, I didn't think. So I show up and the first sign of trouble is when I see that the doctor's wife, who works in the office, is nagging him to get out of the office so they can head to New Jersey for the weekend.

Great.

So the doc hits me with the Novocain but instead of injecting it around the gum where the cavity is it feels like he shoved the needle right into the hinge joint of my jaw. I couldn't even open my mouth wide for the first 5 minutes after the shot. Then I realize, as he's coming down the hall to me, that my mouth isn't even numb yet.

I clue him in on that little piece of information but he just says something about it being "long enough" for it to work. Then the drill starts. It was not long enough. Before I can scream in agony, though, he's done and out the door before his assistant can get the torture equipment out of my mouth. I decide not to give her a rash of shit because it wasn't really her fault. I figured I'd just get all passive aggressive on the dental hygienist that I knew was coming to inflict the next round of pain.

She was hot.

I didn't mention the previous round of Jack Bauer Dentistry I'd just received. Plus my mouth was finally numb and I was trying not to drool. It's a good thing that I was numb at that point, though, because as much as the drilling hurt I'm pretty sure the scraping I got would have felt a lot worse than it was.

When I rinsed I was expecting to spit out a mouthful of red polishing compound but I didn't expect to watch it get washed down the bowl with a nice flow of type O.

I sat there for another 5 minutes, gums bleeding, waiting for the other doctor to come and double-check my x-rays and the cleaning. Everything was fine, according to him, even though I couldn't feel the left side of my head and I was having trouble talking due to the odd clicking in my jaw joint that wasn't there when I'd walked in an hour earlier.

It took 6 fucking hours for the Novocain to completely wear off. By then my gums were done bleeding but the lack of painkiller made it extremely obvious that the injection I'd received went awry. It's Sunday, I still can't open my mouth all the way and it's sore as hell where he stuck me. Bastard.

They want me to come back in 6 months for another cleaning. Right. I'll get right on that. I've had exactly 5 cavities, ever, and this one was the first in the last 15 years. I think I can skip a couple of cleanings and be just fine.

4-6-2007

Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning...

James Doohan will make a trip to space on April 27th when some of his cremated remains will join 200 others on "The Legacy Flight."

Among the 201 people on board will also be astronaut Gordon Cooper.

Meanwhile...

Keith Richards did NOT snort his fathers ashes with some coke.

MyTube

Did you watch "The Shield" this week? Man, it's off to a roaring start as far as I'm concerned. Kavanaugh has officially gone off the deep end but, unfortunately for him, Vic is the top shark in those waters.

Anyone watching this new show "October Road?" It's got my boy Bryan Greenberg in it and I've been a fan of his since his days on "One Tree Hill." Anyway, the premise of the show isn't new; kid leaves after high school, writes novel trashing his hometown and friends and then returns years later to the consequences.

This show used to be called "Glory Days" when it was on The WB back in 2002 so maybe you've seen it. I kid. Sort of. Anyway, it's not that bad of a show, hope it gets a shot at being picked up as a regular show. Besides, anytime I can watch an hour of TV and get both Lindy Booth and Elizabeth Bogush along with newcomer Odette Yustman it's a definite plus.

4-3-2007

The Shield

Are you ready for the return of "The Shield?" You better damn well be ready because at 10:00 tonight the new, and last I believe, season kicks off with our favorite rabid cop on the hunt for who killed his boy Lem.

God, I can't wait!!

MyTube

And while we're on the subject of TV shows, how about the season ending of "Prison Break" last night? Can that show get any better? But I can't believe the season is over already. It's going to be a long summer.