News Archive - May 2007

   

5-21-2007

Vacation, Bitches!

I'm off later today for a week in sunny, Southern California.  Los Angeles, to be exact.  It'll be week of learning Spanish, putting out forest fires, dodging mud slides and hiding in doorways to escape the inevitable Earth-ending quake.

That or I'll just geek out, get really drunk on some margaritas and work on my tan.  Back next week with a photo or two and, hopefully, with a tall tale or three.

Adios!

5-18-2007

MyTube

And that's the end of "Veronica Mars."  The CW has, apparently, finalized their cancellation of that show in what comes as the second worst move by a network this week, "Jericho" being the first.

Pretty much everything I posted Wednesday night was proven out, "Smallville," "Supernatural" and "One Tree Hill" all got picked up for new seasons.  "One Tree Hill" will actually take the same approach that "Mars" was thinking about, leaping ahead in time and rebooting the story.  "Hill" will skip the college years and pick up the friends as they make their way home 4 years after this season's finale.

New shows include "Reaper" which I talked about last week...it's the "Brimstone" rip-off about Satan's bounty hunter.  Ah, who am I kidding?  Let's face it, that's my type of show...

A big smack to Kristen Bell, however, is that, while her show isn't getting renewed, she will be on the CW network as the narrator on the new show "Gossip Girl."  I wouldn't get too friendly with this show about spoiled, rich high schoolers, though.  It stars Leighton Meester ("Surface") and Penn Badgley...both good actors but both have had their previous shows cancelled after poor showings.  Badgley, who starred in "The Mountain" and "The Bedford Diaries" for the former WB, is on pace to catch Oliver Hudson for being the kiss of death to a television show.

Whatever.  I'm pissed about "Mars."  That and right now I couldn't care less what this network runs.  The thieving bastards at Time Warner STILL haven't figured out how to add the network to my cable lineup.  To rub salt in the wound, I found out that the two bit cable carrier, Haefele TV, actually offers TWO channels of The CW to its subscribers.   Fuck you, Time Warner.

FOX

FOX is going the "24" route with a couple of their shows next year.  Debuting in January and running non-stop through spring will be "24" and the new shows, "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" and "Canterbury's Law" which stars Julianna Margulies.

"The Sarah Connor Chronicles" pick up the Terminator franchise and stars Lena Heady, the hottie from 300. 

Otherwise, FOX looks very similar to what it is now.  "Prison Break," "Bones," "House" and "American Idol" will all be back next year as will the Sunday lineup of animated shows.

New shows include "New Amsterdam" about an immortal cop (I give it 4 episodes before getting it's schedule shifted, 1 more episode and then gone...so, 5 total.  Call Vegas, get the line on that bet) and "K-Ville" about cops in New Orleans.  "Amsterdam" stars people you've never heard of while "K-Ville" has Anthony Anderson, Cole Hauser and William Mapother.  I'll give that show 7 episodes only because it's following "Prison Break."

Bring on fall

All said, I'm extremely disappointed in the loss of "Jericho" and "Veronica Mars."  Not much else got the boot that I'm sad about.  Most of the new shows coming this fall look like ass and I think I've only seen, maybe, 4 that I'll give a shot.  Well, maybe 5 if I'm in a good mood.

What are those four?  CBS has "Moonlight" while NBC has "Journeyman" and "Chuck" (Adam Baldwin!) and FOX has "The Sarah Connor Chronicles."  The maybe show is NBC's "Bionic Woman" (I'm a sucker for a hot chick). 

Amnesty

It's looking like there's an immigration deal in the works that will effectively give all illegal immigrants in the country a free pass. 

I don't know.  Is it amnesty or isn't it?  As far as I'm concerned, anything less than tossing all illegals out is a failure.

5-17-2007

MyTube

Well, CBS did it, they pulled the plug on "Jericho" and I can not be more disappointed.  The show had a lot of potential and the way it ended, with gunfire and a black screen, was a terrible way to see it off.

The bittersweet news is that "The Unit" got picked up next season so we'll get a chance to find out what happens with Jonas and Bob. 

Much of their schedule is staying the same with heavy hitters like the "CSI" shows staying in their current slots along with "Without a Trace" (rejoining "CSI" on Thursday), "Criminal Minds," "NCIS," and 2/3 of the Friday night lineup, "Numb3rs" and "Ghost Whisperer." 

"Numb3rs" and "Ghost Whisperer" will bracket a new show, "Moonlight," about a vampire private investigator.  Angel?

Comedy fans will be happy to see "Two and a Half Men" and "How I Met Your Mother" back on Monday night while Sunday evenings will see fan favorite "Cold Case" at 9 followed by "Shark."  A new show, "Viva Laughlin" kicks off the night but don't trouble yourself with it, it's a musical gambling something-or-other.

Other than the disappointment about "Jericho," CBS really isn't making any drastic changes.  I'll probably even give this show "Moonlight" a shot.  Although, without David Boreanaz and Charisma Carpenter's tits I'm not going to get overly excited.

FOX

FOX jumped out with some news a day early by picking up "24" for at least 2 more years.  They may even switch things up and move Jack out of LA in the future.  We'll see how that goes.

The CW

Also, early news says that The CW has given the nod to all but one of my shows, "Veronica Mars."  It's not final but I'm not holding out hope for season 4. 

Back, though, are "Smallville," "Supernatural" and "One Tree Hill."  Still, I curse you, CW network, and you, Time Warner Cable (because you're thieving bastards), for killing one of the top 10 best shows of all time in "Mars." 

I shit you not, this is the best thing on TV you've never seen.  And I say that not even having seen a single season 3 episode.

5-16-2007

MyTube

This is the week for upfronts from our favorite TV networks and we've already heard from NBC and ABC.  Today we should hear from CBS and The CW and FOX will chime in on Thursday if not earlier.

NBC

Good news from NBC, though, "Friday Night Lights" got picked up for another season.  The bad news, they're burying it on Friday night at 10:00.  It's a family show, it should have an 8 or 9 slot.  At least it's on Friday now, we'll see how it goes.

All three "Law & Order" shows got picked up with "Criminal Intent" actually going to USA rather than the parent network. 

New shows coming this fall?  "Bionic Woman" and "Chuck" are on the list as is a spin-off of "Heroes" called "Heroes: Origins."  Apparently we'll get to meet new heroes and vote on which ones we'd like to see on the regular show.

ABC

Tuesday was ABC's turn and it's bleak for "What About Brian" but it looks as if "October Road" will come back later in the season with 13 episodes, I'm hoping for good things.  The rest of the cancellation list is full of stuff you've never heard of.

If you look at ABC's line-up by night, there is not a single stand-out that looks like something I'd want to watch.  With "Lost" not debuting till the Spring of '08 for their straight 16 episode run it looks as if ABC has shit for TV this fall.

Yeah, I know, Thursday night's line-up of "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy" is a big hit but I can't seem to get excited over Katherine Heigl's boobs anymore.  Call me crazy.

The only two new series that I think sound interesting are "Cavemen," based on the characters from those Geico commercials, and a "Grey's" spin-off called "Private Practice."  And that's only because Kate Walsh is a NetEnigma.com Certified Hottie.

The rest?  Derivatives of shows already on or, in the case of "Carpoolers," utter crap.  "Sam I am?"  While the shows star, Christina Applegate, is hot, it's a rip-off of "My Name is Earl."  I'll take "Earl" as my boy Jason Lee makes this show while Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, Nadine Velazquez and Eddie Steeples are the perfect backup crew.

Early Reports

Early reports at CBS is that "Jericho" did not make the cut.  After the winter break it didn't get very good ratings this spring but, in its defense, it was up against "American Idol."  As much as I despise "Idol," you can't deny it's drawing power.  Any show that flounders against it shouldn't be considered a write-off it should be considered for a new night or new timeslot.

As with the past couple of years, I'm more interested in what The CW (when it was The WB) and FOX have to announce.  I have my fingers crossed for "Veronica Mars" and that Time Warner will finally add The CW to my line-up of channels.  Thieving bastards.

5-11-2007

Spider-Man 3

I'm guessing that most of you have already seen Spider-Man 3, or will be going shortly, and probably have read a review or two.  So let's face it, I don't really need to hype the movie.  I'm also not going to pull any punches, full on spoilers will be in this article, you've been warned.

First off, although it's a pretty good movie, it has some definite flaws and I'll get them right out of the way now.  Three villains was not the way to go.  Character development is important but let's face it, three movies in, I'm going to see Spider-Man because it's an action-packed comic book movie not because I want to see Tobey Maguire make an ass of himself dancing on a bar in a jazz club.  That was Raimi's peanut flicking scene and it was uncalled for.

And for the love of all that's holy, stop with the damaged mask/de-masking scenes.

The Sandman looked awesome in a lot of his scenes but Thomas Haden Church is a great actor and his talents were lost in the film due to Peter Parker's drama and that there were three villains.  Retconning him into the first film and making him Uncle Ben's killer?  Crap.  His origin was rushed, the writers and director wanted us to feel for the guy but we didn't get enough development to do so.  That made the ending ring hollow.

Harry made his comeback as the Goblin and the opening fight sequence with Spider-Man was pretty good but did suffer from too many quick cuts, dark alleys and fast action.  Once it was over it felt more like they rushed it so they could explain why we didn't see much of him for the next hour.

The only decent character development was with Eddie Brock.  His motivation for becoming Venom was built up and presented an interesting foil for Spider-Man.  Unfortunately he only got to shine in the last 20 minutes or so of the film.  And, as much setup as they did, knowing there's a good probability that this will be the final SM film with this cast and crew it almost seemed a waste.

Don't even get me started on the MJ/Peter/Gwen love triangle.  Oh, wait, what love triangle?  Wasted time.  Cameos?  Goofy.  They could have toned them down somewhat but Bruce Campbell's spot was the best.  Sam, if you do another one, fire your brother.

Do you think that I hated it yet?  Well, I didn't.  I actually liked it even though it's possibly the weakest of the three.  Still it's a solid trilogy.  Not Lord of the Rings solid.  Probably not original Star Wars trilogy solid but solid like the Indiana Jones trilogy or Back to the Future.  It's a franchise and in that it succeeds in entertaining and making it interesting.  And I can even see what Raimi was trying to do I just don't agree with all of it.

Two things to note, I've heard that Marvel kind of forced Venom into the movie while they should have either gone all out Venom or not had him at all.  And for Christ's sake, if you bother to introduce Dr. Curt Connors in Spider-Man 2, and go out and get a great actor like Dylan Baker, don't toss him away.  We want the Lizard!!

So what went right and saved the film?  Peter Parker's story.  Yes, as drawn out as it was, as poor as the love triangle was, Peter's still our hero and he makes another journey through the mundane life has to offer while learning important things about what it takes to be a man, a hero and someone that has convictions and morals.

The special effects were brilliant for most of the film.  Even the way Venom came off was well done.  Sandman was probably the best looking villain so I wished that we'd seen more of him. 

Harry as the new Goblin was pretty well done as well and I thought that James Franco really stepped up and owned the scenes he was in.  Watching him turn back into the Goblin late in the film was great.

Topher Grace made a very scary Eddie Brock, there was something in his eyes from the start that told you the guy was a little unhinged.  It was subtle and came off well and even though I originally though it was an odd casting choice I have to admit that Grace is a pretty good actor.

Needed more J.K. Simmons.

I'm hoping for a Director's Cut on DVD this fall that will either add to the character development or one that actually cuts out some of the crap.  Either way, though, I'm looking forward to it so that I can sit down and watch all three movies back-to-back.  As I said, it's probably the weakest of the three films but as a trilogy, very solid.  If they don't make another Spider-Man movie I'll be happy with the trilogy as it is now.  But man, if Raimi and cast came back for one more, that would totally rock.

You definitely need to go see the film.  Even though I seem to have done more bashing that praise-heaping, it's a good film with plenty of things to like about it.  It's a solid 3.5 wheels of cheddar out of 5...I took one wheel off the top for the 3-villain-clutter so it only lost a half wheel for style, plot and poor cameos.

Now, bring on Pirates of the Caribbean and Fantastic Four so we can complete the Summer Blockbuster Trifecta.

More Movie Madness

They played the new Harry Potter trailer in front of Spider-Man and I have two words for you:  HOLY SHIT.

This film looks to be off the hook.  I really need to read those books sometime because if the films are this good the books must be as special as everyone keeps telling me.

There were some other good looking trailers including Pirates and Fantastic Four  as well as Surf's Up and The Bourne Ultimatum. 

You want me to put what in my mouth?

If you think getting a blowjob is hard now, wait till broads start using the excuse that they won't do it because they don't want throat cancer.

On the other side of that, now what are Kevin Smith and I, and all the other fat guys, going to use to con our way into some hottie's pants?  Damn youse cancer!  Damn youse to hell!

Speaking of Getting Laid...

Here's a joke my boy Fred sent me:

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys Suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them Fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that Hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and Still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser Fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

5-8-2007

MyTube

May is the month for fall upfronts in the TV world and that means we learn what crap the networks will throw at us in September as well as which of our favorite shows are told they aren't worthy of coming back.

I think Thursday is the official release date but already some info is out, most good but there are a few shitty announcements.

CW

Let's get shitty out of the way.  It's not looking good for a few shows on the CW network as "Gilmore Girls" has already been cancelled, "Veronica Mars" is really on life support and "One Tree Hill" is sagging.  "Smallville" is probably getting picked up, though, as is "Supernatural."

ABC

Over on ABC you don't have to worry about "Lost" which just announced that it will run for 48 more episodes, 16 per season, for the next three years before coming to a logical end.  You also won't have to worry if you're a weeping broad with no social life; "Grey's Anatomy," "Desperate Housewives," "Men in Trees," "Ugly Betty" and "The Bachelor" are all getting picked up.

Luckily, it's looking as if "October Road" and "What about Brian" are coming back.  Honestly, if "Brian" goes I won't lose sleep but I'm really digging "October Road."

Gone are a shitload of shows you care nothing about.  They aren't worth mentioning because you won't even recognize them.

NBC

Is it any surprise that "Heroes," "My Name is Earl," "The Office," "ER" and "Law & Order: SVU" are coming back?  Not really.  It's up in the air about the original "Law & Order" and "L&W: Criminal Intent" but rumors are that only one of them is coming back.  "CI" is probably the one not coming back.

I'm worried about "Friday Night Lights," it's a bubble show but I'm hoping for good things in the off season.  Gone is "Crossing Jordan" and, again, shows you've never heard of.

CBS

I don't think any of the "CSI" shows are going anywhere and you'll probably also see "Criminal Minds," "NCIS," "Numb3rs" and "Without a Trace."  If you like procedurals, CBS is your go-to network.  "Two and a Half Men" should be coming back along with "Shark" and "Ghost Whisperer."

Less certain are "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Unit."  I'd like to see "Unit" keep going but I can see how it's not doing well these days.

FOX

Oh, let me count the ways that I hate this network.  Okay, I'm not writing that much more, it's late.

No big surprises on what's coming back; "24," "House," "Prison Break," "The Simpsons," and "American Idol."  Also look forward to another season of "Bones."  Oh, and an endless stream of reality shows ("Cops," "Nanny 911," "Trading Spouses," three hours of watching a steaming pile of shit, etc.).

Not coming back are "Drive," "The O.C." and a list of awesome-but-fucked-without-lube shows so long even a million monkeys pounding on keyboards couldn't finish it given an infinite amount of time. 

Pilots

The listing of pilots looked like a pile of crap for the most part.  Like "Reaper," about Satan's bounty hunter recapturing escaped souls.  If this sounds familiar it is, it was called "Brimstone" the first time around nine years ago.

Or, how about "The World According to Barnes" about Princeton students that solve crimes.  Sure, you want to start a NEW show about that when "Veronica Mars" is on NOW and has a cult following and is the most awesomest show ever?  Fuck you, accountants that think they're clever.

Oh, and the best one?  "M.I.L.F. & Cookies."  Yeah, you read that right.  It's about a bunch of broads in an apartment complex.  I can't have one boob during a Superbowl but somehow "M.I.L.F." is okay?  I guess the old white people that green lit that show are the same ones that never figured out what "skeet, skeet, skeet" meant before Chappelle cancelled his own show.

There are a bunch of other retreads as well like "Hell on Earth" about a girl given a second chance to do good after getting hit by a bus.  Didn't they try this with "Dead Like Me?"

"The Bionic Woman" is coming back.  I shit you not.

Finally I have to mention "Chuck" about an IT guy that gets smart due to some CIA agent sending him a code that tweaks his brain.  People liken it to "John Doe" but I'm thinking "Jake 2.0."  Either way, I'm sure both of those shows were better than "Chuck" will be.

5-7-2007

Owned!

Spider-Man 3, $148 million.  Everyone else, $26 million.  The number 2 movie for the weekend only made $5.7 million.

Good for Spidey but bad for me.  I didn't even get close to the theater this weekend it was so busy.  I still haven't seen the film but plan on trying to fit it in one night this week.

PWNED!

Students get free laptops, learn to download porn, hack local businesses and cheat on tests.  Who says technology won't make out youth smarter?  Oh, Liverpool school district does.

Hey, I figure it this way, rather than all the hacking attempts coming from Russia, China and Korea, I'd rather have it come from Syracuse so I can drive up there and kick some ass if I have to. 

I don't know why anyone is shocked that the kids would use the laptops for not so upstanding things.  After all, I get calls all the time at work where some little punk has fucked with a computer in one of our libraries.  They don't have any respect for equipment that's not theirs so why would they when it's given to them?

Besides, there's a lot of porn piling up on the Interwebs.  It's not going to download itself.

5-5-2007

Cinco de Mayo!

Break out the Corona, dust off the blender and lay on some of Jose Cuervo, it's celebration time, bitches! 

Lockup

Paris Hilton's gotta do 45 days in jail.  It couldn't have happened to a nicer person.  Maybe the next sex tape will be a lesbian prison movie.  I'd pay to see that.

5-1-2007

MyTube

I hate FOX.  They've cancelled yet another TV show after only a couple of weeks.  This time it's "Drive."  They only had six episodes for the season and I think they showed four.  How can a TV network choose to show two weeks worth of repeats when they could actually show new shows?  I just don't get it.

What makes it worse?  The star of the show (although it was an ensemble) was Nathan Fillion.  The same guy that got rug burn he was screwed so hard by FOX over "Firefly" a couple years ago.  If I were him and I walked into an interview only to find out that the show was going to be on FOX I would have
kicked the producer in the balls, given everyone the finger and wished them luck getting 2 episodes broadcast.  Then walked out, grabbed the secretary's ass and spit on the door handle.  And pinched a hot, steaming loaf in the elevator for good measure.

But I bet FOX has room for another episode of American Idol, the single most worthless show on TV today...Okay, one of, because you can't forget "The Real Wedding Crashers," "The Bachelor" or any number of other crappy reality TV shows out there.

Heroes

On the good side of the TV dial is "Heroes."  This is my favorite new show of the 2006-2007 TV season.  Unlike "Lost," this cliffhanger actually answers a question here and there and advances the plot in an orderly manner.

Plus, can Peter and Hiro be any more fun to watch?  I'm going to miss this show when it wraps up the season in about 2 more weeks.