News Archive - July 2005
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7-30-2005
Stinks like sex in here.
It never ends
Today in What The Fuck we bring you a story about an 8-year-old who got arrested for lewd conduct. His 14-year-old babysitter, during a rousing game of Truth or Dare, dared the little playa' to touch her boobs and he did.
Later, his mother got suspicious that something happened and when asked, he fessed up to it. Did mom call the babysitter's parents? Nope. Did she confront her personally? Nah. She went straight to law enforcement who promptly charged her son.
There's something ironically satisfying in that.
I think it has to do with the fact that mom couldn't even handle something as innocent as this without going to authorities. On the other hand, though, should the little kid really get punished for doing something entirely natural with a willing participant? I don't think so.
But if the kid turns out to be a repressed homosexual with an Oedipus complex and an inability to commit to a relationship, we only have his mother to blame.
7-28-2005
Break out your lawyers, I think someone's gonna get sued!
Microsoft announced last week that the next version of their Windows operating system is going to be called Vista. Unfortunately, it appears that there are several other companies out there that are already using the Vista name.
I enjoy this comment...
For example, Microsoft is not in danger of getting sued by any of the various window manufacturers that sell products under some sort of Vista label, because people aren't likely to confuse plate glass with operating systems.
I think it's really hilarious because, obviously, the broad that wrote this has never answered a tech support call.
Microsoft Customer Support: Hello, this is Microsoft support, how can I help you today?
Idiot End User: Yes, I'm having problems with Internet.
MCS: Are you trying to connect to the Internet, or problems with e-mail or a web site?
IEU: Well, my cursor isn't moving and I can't seem to do anything.
MCS: Oh, sounds like maybe one of your applications hung up. Do you have any windows open?
IEU: Well, yes?
MCS: Could you try to close them for me and tell me if you get any error messages?
IEU: Well, I guess...I don't think that would help but I'll close my windows.
<footsteps walking away....slamming sounds...footsteps coming back>
IEU: I just closed my windows but can we hurry up with this, it's gonna get kind of stuffy in here so I'd like to be able to open them back up.
MCS: Um...I meant windows on your computer. Do you have any application windows open?
IEU: I'm not very good with computers, can't you, maybe, just send me Internet on a CD?
And please, don't think for a second this type of phone call hasn't occurred.
Recently.
More than once.
And I'm sure that IEU had even more problems understanding the tech support rep who was probably speaking Hindi.
I'm moving
To New Zealand or maybe Australia. With a deficit of men in their 30's, I'm thinking I might have a shot at the 24,000 single women in NZ or the 20,000+ in Australia.
What?
This is possibly the most fucked up story of government intervention gone wrong I've ever read.
Missing
A missing, pregnant Philadelphia woman is now getting the latest national news coverage.
No word yet if Washington will send F-16 recon jets, drain the Delaware river.
7-27-2005
Under activities you have "smokin' blunts with the homies" and "bustin' caps in whitey." Can you explain that?
A guide to what?
TV Guide, a long running staple of coffee tables everywhere, is revamping itself with a new larger format, more stores and fewer TV listings.
Soon to follow will be "TV Guide Beach House", "The Real World 8:00pm - 7 Central" and "Yo! Broadcast TV Sucks."
I need this job
You've just signed a 2 year contract worth $16 million per year with a stipulation that if you leave the job within your first month you get to collect your whole $32 million salary package.
What do you do?
Obviously, you quit a couple days later. Asshole.
In other news
I want my fat payola check for being forced to listen to endless replays of J.Lo, Celine Dion and Outkast.
The final frontier
The space shuttle is back in space. Not without a hitch, though. During takeoff yesterday NASA noted a couple pieces of debris that fell off the external fuel tank. Hope everything works out.
7-25-2005
Have I ever given you reason to doubt me?
Lance Armstrong, you magnificent bastard!
Fun Game
Here's a fun and educational game if you have a few minutes. It's a geography game where you're asked to drop countries onto a map to of Europe to see if you know where they are. It'll keep track of average miles you missed by as well as how many you get right out of 45.
I got 31 of 45 right on the first try with an average of 147 miles off. Not too bad considering most of the countries didn't even exist 15 years ago when I took my last geography test. The only one I got wrong that I feel bad about is Vatican City. I was off by a couple hundred miles down the coast.
Oh, and I missed Liechtenstein because I put it at the wrong end of Germany. Should have known that one.
7-23-2005
Are you in loser denial or something?
Today's frivolous lawsuit is brought to you by Tennessee. A woman, back on 4/21/2004, played the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 on the first night that Powerball was available in that state. Later that night she called the phone line that would tell her the drawn numbers.
It seems that a test message was still playing on the phone VRU and it said the winning numbers were, you guessed it, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and a Powerball number 6.
As you can imagine, finding out that she didn't actually win caused her physical and mental suffering that must be compensated for. I particularly like this paragraph from that article:
"All that is beside the point to Davis, who feels the Tennessee Lottery owes her money for the letdown she had when she found out she hadn't won the Powerball drawing."
Today's forecast for Tennessee is partly redneck with a slight chance of white trash.
Arrrr, Matey!
Have pirated movies to sell on DVD? Let's get a stall at the San Diego Comic-con and sell them. I'm sure you won't get caught by any of the hundreds of movie industry people wandering around....
Funny thing is, they raided some booths at Wizard World Philly this year. We saw a couple booths get shut down on Friday of that Con. They were selling the same stuff as last year but I guess this new crackdown is responsible.
Dear Mr. Greenspan,
Today we'd like to notify your booming economy of 6,000 layoffs from Kimberly-Clark (who makes your Kleenex and Huggies) and the potential for about 10,000 (on top of the 2,700 this year) lost jobs at Ford.
This is how you fight terrorism
You track the motherfuckers down and when they make a run for it you pump 5 rounds into their head.
I think it should be known that if you look Middle Eastern, you're late for work, wearing a backpack and running for the bus that's about to pull away, you should expect to be shot in the face.
7-22-2005
Your civil rights surrender.
I don't get it
Jude Law is banging one of the hottest broads the UK has produced recently but he decides that he has to step out with the nanny? Are you fucking retarded, man?
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I'mma sue somebody
Today's frivolous lawsuit brought to you by a 27 year old broad who fell off her skateboard and got burned by a manhole cover.
Now, come on, if you're out after midnight on a Wednesday night in the summer you're probably drunk and I don't think Con Ed should have to pay for that.
7-21-2005
You better watch your job, Rain Man got skills.
I think I talked about this before but I'm to lazy to look it up in the history. Anyway, Congress has passed a resolution that would have us set our clocks ahead in March instead of April and back in November instead of October. By playing with the clocks it'll give us more light in the evening when we're home so, theoretically, we'll use less energy and save money.
Canada doesn't like that idea because they think it'll throw us out of synch. I guess that whole French-speaking thing hasn't already done that?
Also, with it being dark later in the morning (Hey, I'm all for sleeping in!) they're afraid that kids will have to walk to school in the dark and it could cause more car accidents because the sun doesn't have time to melt the black ice before we make our morning commute.
Both of those problems could be solved easily by more plow trucks and school busses. Hmmm...where do we save on energy again?
Economy
It appears that the good news from Alan Greenspan on the economy was lost yesterday amongst the 25,000 layoffs announced by Kodak.
I hope nobody tells him about the 14,500 layoffs from HP, he might declare all our economic problems solved.
7-20-2005
It's always the quiet ones.
John McCain for President in 2008. I love that guy!
Ripped off
Remember when we did the 128 Hottest Broads We Could think of? Now FHM is running some type of bracket tourney to figure out who'll be their hottest babe next door.
I knew I should have gotten Buckle to copyright that software he wrote. I want my fat licensing check.
Wall Street Logic
You have employees earning high wages, paying low health care costs, your the number 5 retailer in the country, your stock is up 10% in the last year and the CEO is only making $350K a year...
You must be doing something wrong....
Huh?
Costco is doing all that and passing on insanely good buys to their customers but Wall Street hates them because they treat their employees too well. I love the quote: "it's better to be an employee or a customer than a shareholder."
Well, duh! I'd rather work for a company, be well compensated, have job security and good health care than worry that I'm going to take a pay cut because some ass clown sitting in a corporate office in NYC needs $0.10 more per share on his stock portfolio.
The American can-do spirit surrenders.
Further proving my point...
That certifications in the PC industry are meaningless, a 9 year old Pakistani girl now has her MCP.
There goes another job across the pond...
Failed logic
You have credit card debt. You're barely making minimum monthly payments or just paying a little above them, you have a problem.
The solution? Double the monthly minimum payment making it harder for you to come up with the cash to pay your credit card company.
7-15-2005
Net Enigma. Oh, and be sure to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Having solved all of New York's problems, Senator Hillary Clinton is now prepared to spend more of our abundant tax dollars on a probe to find out who put the porn in "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas."
No word yet if the probe will be battery operated with real skin feel.
7-14-2005
Net Enigma. If you use a word like angst in prison there's gonna be a 5 car pile-up on your hershey highway.
Court says $11 billion in business fraud = 25 years in prison. Bernard Ebbers is headed for federal prison. I wonder if it'll be a dream residence with it's 12'x12' cell on the 7th tee or truly a "federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison?"
I didn't do it
No matter what you hear, it wasn't me.
Death and taxes
The two certainties in life. PA even has a 70 year old temporary tax on alcohol that's still in effect today raising the LCB about $200 million a year. I'm sure they're putting that to good use, paying LCB agents overtime to hassle people at clubs.
I've personally been in 3 different bars when LCB raided them. It's kind of fun, till you realize how ridiculous it is. And not only that, PA is bitching about the 18% tax? Beer is still cheaper there than in NY.
Fuckers.
Equal rights, equal changing rooms?
I'm all for equal rights and all that, and I'm not even against shared changing rooms for co-ed sports, but, come on... I've been around the locker room and it's not necessarily the place for women, especially in high school.
And besides, men, if that was your daughter and she looked like that, would you want her roaming the men's locker room without you being there?
With your Remington shotgun.
They got one right
One thing that I will give the Muslim countries props for, they know how to deal with criminals.
Of course, that seems to be how they also treat our military...civilians...aid workers....
Meh...nevermind.
7-13-2005
Net Enigma. At the time I wasn't really what you call...sober...
Even though I find myself liking a lot of movies by Michael Bay it doesn't stop me from thinking that he's a world class tool. If you need further proof; to maintain his PG-13 rating for the upcoming The Island, Bay had to talk his HOT actress, Scarlett Johansson, OUT of getting naked for the role.
Ass.
Meanwhile...
Hollywood wonders why box office receipts are in the toilet...I'll give you 3 reasons:
Hollow Man 2, I Know What You Did Last Summer 3, and Road House 2 - Last Call.
7-12-2005
Net Enigma. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
We need some cops like this in the US. One week on the job and Chief Constable Roger Baker has already tossed 800 criminals behind bars. Rock on, Chief Constable.
7-8-2005
Net Enigma. Dark and dark. I was hoping it was dark and dark.
Batman Begins
Batman Begins brings the DC superhero universe back to the big screen in a great way. Christian Bale stars as the Dark Knight with Michael Caine as Alfred, Gary Oldman (incredible casting!) as Gordon and Liam Neeson as Ducard.
Backing them up are Katie Holmes, Morgan Freeman, Rutger Hauer and Cillian Murphy as Scarecrow. I was a little worried when I heard that Scarecrow would be a villain in this film as he seemed a little obscure for mainstream audiences. I was pleasantly surprised, however.
We all know the basic origin of Batman; Bruce Wayne's parents are killed when he's still young, he's raised by Alfred and seeing the decay of Gotham, decides to help the beleaguered police fight crime. Those themes are in this film and director Christopher Nolan does a good job interweaving them with action sequences which allow for a fun first hour when it could have been easy for things to bog down. I think this is probably the best superhero origin story next to Spider-Man.
Ra's Al Ghul and the League of Shadows also have a presence in the film and Ducard's training of Bruce Wayne is a cool way of showing how Batman obtained his fighting ability.
And what would Batman be without his "wonderful toys?" The just-believable-enough Batmobile, suit and gadgets was a great idea as far as I'm concerned. Granted, the tumbler Batmobile isn't as classic of a look as Burton's 1989 version, but I really enjoyed how it fit into the film. I was also a huge fan of Burton's Art Deco Gotham which is less present in this current film. But Gotham looks like a modern but rundown city and works well to show the decay that's eating it from the bottom up. Afterall, without that decay, Batman's job would be a lot easier.
The basic premise of the film is that the Scarecrow is plotting to destroy Gotham by releasing a drug into the city water supply that will drive everyone crazy. While being very comic book, this is still better than a freeze ray or whatever that thing was Carrey's Riddler tried to invent. Drugs also allowed Nolan to do some cool things with Scarecrow and his perception by others that was more believable than your standard comic book villain. As with the technology, I appreciate that because, for me, it makes a more plausible movie.
Bale is wonderful as Batman and one of the things that he did that I don't recall any of the previous actors doing was that he changed his voice and his mannerisms when he was in the Batsuit. He wasn't recognizable as "Bruce Wayne, Billionaire Playboy," he was a mysterious bad ass, just like he should be.
The rest of the cast does a great job with, possibly, the exception of Katie Holmes. I've been a big fan of hers since the "Dawson's Creek" days but I don't know if it was the off-screen shit with Tom Cruise or what, but I just cringed every time she came on screen...but she didn't do a bad job. I think I just couldn't get past the real life stuff. Rumor has it most of the key actors have signed on for a sequel but Katie hasn't...won't be missed.
All the appropriate explosions, car chases and ass kicking are present and the plot ties them together well. The whole film moves along well, the directing, acting and plot all fell together for this film. Next to Spider-Man it's now one of my most favorite comic movies. I won't even hesitate to give this 4 out of 4 wheels of cheddar. Get yourself to the theater and enjoy this film this summer. And with today's opening of Fantastic 4, it's a helluva time to be a comic fan!
Wi-Fi to go
Just when you thought the pinnacle of geek had been achieved, someone comes along to do you one better.
Mobile, wireless Wi-Fi Internet access in a backpack. Battery powered and you're good to go as long as you have a cell signal. I want one.
7-5-2005
Net Enigma. DOCID: B4ILUVURU18?
Here's an interesting law or amendment, or whatever you want to call it. It's basically an attempt by the government to stamp out child pornography but what it does is require all producers and distributors of adult material to keep records on the age of the models.
Seems good...till you start reading all of it.
The records would need some type of governmental id (drivers license) with a picture and age, a release saying that their image can be distributed as well as info on that model's aliases, stage names or any other identification they might use as a model. Things like home addresses and phone numbers, I guess, would be included with all that. Add to that, if the photo is published on a web site, the producer and distributor would need to track the URL of the image with the other records. And all that would have to be updated for everywhere the pictures (this includes, books, magazines, videos and web cam pictures...basically any media where the picture is published) are shown.
So, Horny Bob takes some nude pictures of his girlfriend and sends them to hotnsexy.com. He needs to scan her drivers license, have her sign a release and document the URL of the picture on hotnsexy.com in his records. Hotnsexy.com has to have all that info in their records also. If hotnsexy.com has an affiliate program with 10 other web sites to show those pictures, each of those 10 sites needs the model's records and the producer, Horny Bob, needs to have URLs for each of those 10 sites to put in his records. And if anyone in that chain misses a piece of info they could be in trouble with the law.
Next year, when Horny Bob breaks up with that slut, it's not over. Since he's the original producer of that material he needs to keep the records. And if, in 2 years, one of the affiliates sends the photos to some other site for publication? You guessed it, Horny Bob needs to know about it. I'm sure the current Mrs. Horny Bob, at that time, will be happy to know he's still keeping track of his ex. He'll even need to update his records, I guess, if the ex-Mrs. Horny Bob gets married and her name changes...or she starts that new "dancing" job as "Misty Desert."
It could be more interesting
What happens if a movie comes out, say Monster's Ball, and there's a hot sex scene in it (Halle Berry naked, boo-yah!). Won't movie producers now have to keep all that information on record as well? License, release, etc? Maybe.
And what if there is a new method for releasing that movie on the Web in the future, sort of like On Demand cable is now? Won't all the distributing web sites then need to have Halle's personal info on file? If I read that ruling correctly, yes.
Actually, with this law, since, for example, Time Warner is distributing Monster's Ball wouldn't they need Halle's info? As would Comcast, SusComm, DirecTV....get the picture? I'm sure Ms. Berry would be happy to know that potentially every minimum wage phone rep at Time Warner could possibly have access to her home address and phone number.
Personal concerns
Something else concerns me as well. Take the case of Horny Bob. He sends his girlfriend's picture to hotnsexy.com for distribution. He jumps through all the hoops on documentation and whatnot. He's good, right? Well, what if a site, like mine, picks up the pictures from one of the affiliates and then reposts them?
That's a copyright infringement right there but in general, that's a relatively small thing that the copyright owner has to enforce. But it's not a small thing anymore when the lack of documentation on those posted pictures could be 5 years in jail for a first offense because I can't prove the model isn't over 18. And might that apply to Horny Bob as well? Not sure on that one but, since a site reposted the pictures and he didn't keep records of the URLs for those photos, could he be in the shit as well?
Remember when I had a lot of pictures posted in The Vault? All those pics would be covered by this law. And, since I don't have any records for Bobbie or Sabrina from when I took their photos, publishing them could potentially cause me a ton of trouble.
I think I need to investigate all this a little further.
Consequences
Since this is a US law, what's to stop producers and web site operators from taking their business off shore? Nothing. And if you dig in that law you'll find a comment where someone states that a lot of adult sites are off shore or will go off shore, the writer dismisses it because of lack of proof.
How about lack of common sense? Of course companies are going to take this business out of the US. I'm not arguing that as a good or bad thing, just an obvious thing. If you're making a huge amount of scratch in the porn industry and this law goes into effect what sounds better to you; Continue living in Wisconsin and obey these laws or move your company to a Caribbean island?
Gee, let me think about that for 2 seconds.
As I said, in theory this law sounds good but in reality it's a paperwork nightmare for any company wanting to produce adult material in the US or any publication or web site that wants to distribute it.
Something else to think about
Remember when I talked about the approval of the new .XXX domain? How's this for a twist. All adult web sites are required to move to .XXX domain names. Sounds good, easy to find the sites you're looking for while also keeping people from accidentally typing in whitehouse.com instead of whitehouse.gov.
Well, it also makes it easier for the government to then outlaw .XXX domains or, more likely, for ISP's, under pressure, to limit or deny access to them by filtering or dropping them from their DNS servers altogether.
And when all adult sites are together under that .XXX domain, it'll be very easy for Justice to investigate the companies to make sure they're complying with the new record-keeping law.
In other news
Taking showers could cause brain damage. Sales of Axe deodorant soar.
7-4-2005
Net Enigma. She turned up with that inland street thug.
Happy 4th of July! And a big happy birthday to J-Ass who turns another year uglier today.
Out of hand
Okay, this is just getting ridiculous now. This broad, Natalee Holloway, that's missing in Aruba for three weeks...I've got news for you; She's dead. The island is all of 20 miles long, if they haven't searched every nook and cranny by this time there might be a problem, but if they have, then she's dead. Deal with it and move on.
But no. Now the government of Holland is sending three F-16 planes with sophisticated scanning equipment to the island to help look for her. I mean, WTF? We don't even call out that kind of heat for missing kids in this country but "U.S. lawmakers" are "increasing pressure on the Aruban government to do more?"
It's not like I don't think it sucks that this chick is gone, but at some point you have to draw the line.
7-3-2005
Net Enigma. At the end of the day, there is no limit to the depth of my hatred for people.
I'm cruising home yesterday after stopping at the store. Now, in the middle of Ithaca, route 13 is split into two one way pieces with a ton of red lights, cross streets and businesses and it's even 4 lanes in some places because of turning lanes. Well I'm headed north on 13 and this fuckin' SUV cuts in front of me, no signal or look, and almost takes the front bumper off my car.
And not only did he cut in front of me from right to left, he then proceeds to cut past me to the left 1 more time to get into a left turn lane. The light's red so he doesn't quite make it all the way across leaving the ass-end of his car in my lane. So I laid on the horn and then pulled up next to him and spent the 2 minute red light yelling and swearing at him out my window.
I think I scared the shit out of his wife, she was looking pretty nervous. Not sure if it's a good thing I forgot to take my sunglasses off...if they'd actually seen the murderous look in my eyes instead of me just yelling I might have really freaked them out.
Second though, note to self: Next time take sunglasses off before screaming at idiots.
Best part, they were from fucking Maryland. Another "southern" state where they can't fuckin' drive. I shouldn't have been surprised.
WTF?
Paris Hilton is American Royalty? What a worthless piece of trash.
7-1-2005
Net Enigma. I think we're gonna need a bigger boat.
Remember that huge-assed catfish caught down south a couple months back? That's nothing compared to this 646lb monster!
Jaws
Another shark attack in Florida only this time the potential victim had time to strike a pose for the news story.
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Goddamn
It's fuckin' hot in upstate. It was 90+ yesterday and it doesn't look like it's going to cool down till sometime Saturday morning. And then just for a couple days.
I think I'll cool down tonight by spending a couple hours in the theater finally getting a look at the new Batman movie.