News Archive - December 2004

12-23-2004

Net Enigma.  Welcome to a life of insecurity and self paralyzing doubt.

The Entertainment industry has spent years flaunting thin, hot actresses and models in front of us making American's believe that that is the ideal look. Men, too, are shown the anorexic looking male model with shaggy hair and a little puberty sprayed across their chin.

Then something changed. People started saying that being waif thin WASN'T the ideal picture of beauty. If you were larger, but healthy and active, you were fine and beautiful and don't let anyone tell you different.

Then this study, well, told you different.

Guess what; Active and heavy is NOT okay. But, neither is thin an inactive. They both are unhealthy for you. Maybe Hollywood has it right, thin and active is it. anything else is dangerous.

Read through that whole CNN article though, it's actually rather interesting. In a twisted, demented way. I particularly like this paragraph:

"Women who were physically active but obese had almost twice the risk of death of women who were both active and lean. Women who were sedentary but slender were 55 percent more likely to die. Women who were both sedentary and obese were almost 2 1/2 times more likely to die."

Um...Yeah, maybe I'm missing something here but I can pretty much guarantee that 100% of ALL those broads are going to die. Maybe not today, but eventually. I think that paragraph is a little misleading.

But let's get back to the important, overall theme here. Thin and active is the only way to live. Here that? All you 5'6", 155lb girls out there? You're gonna die. Hit the treadmill.

And you. Yeah, you reading this article, I don't care that you're 6' and 98lbs, get off your ass and do something you lazy fattie.

12-22-2004

Net Enigma.  Where the music comes first and then rolls over and has a smoke.

Well, we're down to the last couple of days till Christmas.  I have all my shopping done except for one gift.  It'll be an easy pickup though.  I just have to take the 5 minutes in the mall to get it.

And along with all the presents and gifts also comes the last day of Net Enigma's Advent Calendar of Porn.  So, Saturday morning while you're unwrapping your new underwear and socks, stop by here and unwrap my gift to you!

Rock out

with some Audioslave.  From their self-titled debut album, I give you:

Audioslave - Shadow of the Sun

The Man

The Man is one of the most mysterious entities around.  He's out there with "them," and "they."  He's mysterious and ubiquitous.  Nobody was ever as capable of defining The Man as CrazyMan of the often-missed AfroSquad.com. 

I felt the need to publish CrazyMan's prophetic words so that they are not lost in the sea of derelict web sites whose only remnants can be found in the Internet Archive.

Please, spread CrazyMan's words of wisdom concerning The Man.

Winter break

Thought I'd already taken a winter break from the site, eh?  Well, not officially.  However, next week from Christmas to New Years I'm taking my official break from updates.  First of the year, though, I hope to have some new sections that I've been promising for a while.

Till then, Happy Holidays!

12-17-2004

Net Enigma.  I've gotta ask you this; Are you on crank?

It looks like the Yankees have signed the Big Unit to a new contract.  That's right boys and girls, Randy Johnson is coming back to the Big Apple.  I hope he has a couple more years in that arm of his, because the Yanks can sure use the pitching.

On another note, aren't you glad this whack job WON'T be playing in the house that Babe built?  I guess the little dude, Nelson de la Rosa, is Pedro's good luck charm, but take a look at what that tool Martinez is wearing.  Swimming goggles?  Fruit loop.

Happy Birthday

A big Happy Birthday shout-out to Todd who's just that much older than I am today.  But don't worry, I'm only 5 months away from catching up with you!

12-10-2004

Net Enigma.  Skulking...professionaly.

Blade: Trinity

The latest installment of the Blade series opened last night. Back are Snipes as Blade and Kris Kristofferson as Whistler. Joining them are Whistler's daughter Abigail played by Smokin' Hottie...uh, I mean Jessica Biel, and Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King. The big bad this time around is Dracula, a.k.a. Drake, played by Dominic Purcell who you may recognize from a short-lived TV series called "John Doe." Callum Keith Rennie as Asher, the WWE's Triple H. and Parker Posey round out the baddies.

I didn't pay attention to a lot of the hype leading up to the film so when I saw Rennie and Triple H I was pretty psyched till I realized that the HUGE HHH wasn't the lead baddy and neither was Rennie. Instead the leader of their little gang was Asher's sister, Danica Talos, played by Posey. Now, usually you want someone big and intimidating, not something you associate with five-foot-four Posey. But, if it's any consolation she did look like ass in this movie, I guess that's good enough.

Of the three movies so far, Blade has the best storyline although this one wasn't too bad on the surface. Talos, Asher and Triple H's Jarko locate Dracula at the start of the film. The goal is to use the blood of the only pure vampire to help their race evolve and finish off humankind. Blade and company, of course, have to figure out how to stop them.

Blade: Trinity has a much different feel than either of its predecessors and I don't know if I can really put my finger on exactly what that is. The co-stars are part of it, but there's something else that just felt different. Although the film was written by David Goyer, who also wrote the previous films, this was only his second outing as director which probably has something to do with it.

Although it had a different feel, it didn't fall victim to bad action directing like so many other recent movies, such as The Bourne Supremacy. Missing were overly fast cuts and up-close filming. The fight scenes were well choreographed and the special effects were pretty good, there was no outrageousness like some of the fights from the last film.

The plot did, however, make some odd divergences that really didn't add to the overall story. Some new characters were tossed at the audience, besides Abigail and Hannibal, and at times it seemed like we were being forced into caring about them. Honestly though, I couldn't really shed a tear for them when the bodies started dropping. They weren't really developed and they had no back story so I had no reason to.

The best part of the film for me was Ryan Reynolds. Now, I have to admit I thought he was an odd choice for a hard hitting action flick, afterall, this is Van Wilder we're talking about. But it looks as if Ryan has been in the gym and he gave a good showing for himself. And his mouth. That guy never shut up for the entire film. He has, without a doubt, the best lines of all three movies put together. Trust me, nobody else in that film could have stared down Parker Posey and uttered the phrase "You cock-juggling turbo cunt," and keep a straight face.

Posey is a good actress and she had her moments in this movie. I've enjoyed Rennie in the few appearances I've seen him in and Triple H is so over the top you have to like the guy. Those two, however, could have been used better. Snipes is Blade, nothing new here, Reynolds I already mentioned so that leaves Purcell and Biel. Purcell played a descent Drake, the guy looks action and he delivered, but he still wasn't Stephen Dorff's Deacon Frost. Biel had two roles in this movie and pulled them both off; Ass-kicking vampire hunter Abigail Whistler and I-Pod spokeswoman (see the movie, you'll understand).

All three Blade movies have been fun rides although they don't make a good, cohesive trilogy. Even though Goyer wrote them it's almost as if he took Blade and reinterpreted him three different ways. Other than Blade and Whistler, if you saw these movies out of order and with a generic "Attack of the Vampires" title you'd never know they were related.

Action movies like this also need one more ingredient, a thumping soundtrack. Blade: Trinity has some good tunes in it and I may have to check out the soundtrack. Now let's cut to the chase.

I'm going to do something that I don't think I've ever done in a review before, even though I would have liked to on many, oh so many, occasions. I'm going to disregard the plot and rate this movie on three things: Acting, Action and Ryan Reynolds. All of the actors gave cool performances especially Rennie, Posey and H in a three way threat match. The action was fast and hard with nice choreography and solid filming. Ryan Reynolds owned in this film from his snappy one-liners to his "Fuck you's" and "Fuck me's" to his doling out of some serious ass whooping. Those three things add up to 2 1/2 wheels of cheddar out of four.

Honestly, they could toss Snipes out on his ear, cast Biel and Reynolds in National Lampoons Blade 4: Who's King Now, Baby? and I'd pay to see it.

Whose Line Is It?

Seems that Spc. Thomas Wilson was fed his now famous question by a reporter.  Yesterday I bestowed the Biggest Set of Balls in America award on Wilson for asking Rummie "where's my armor at?" 

Today we find out that a reporter by the name of Edward Lee Pitts hooked Wilson up with the question and then pulled in a favor to get him called on to ask it.  CNN and MSNBC (from the short spot I saw) are debating on this about whether it's a good or bad thing.  If you ask me, it's a good thing.

That question was not the type of thing that would get a real answer in a press conference, if it was even allowed to be asked, but called on the carpet by one of your men, that's something different.  And Wilson still has a huge set for actually standing up and asking, his question or not.

The bigger problem in all of this is the shitty answer Rumsfeld gave anyway.  He said, "As you know, you have to go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you want."  My boss made a good observation on this; we didn't HAVE to go to war when we did.

He's right.  If bombs are falling and you have to go to war you use what you have.  When you're sitting around the back yard at the White House an suddenly decide, "hey, Iraq, let's get us a piece of Saddam's ass to hang on the wall," you don't have to go to war with what you have.  You can take the time needed to armor your troops, get them all the batteries they need for their equipment and you get the number of troops you really need.

I fell for the intelligence that was presented pre-Iraq but in the end this was a big, steaming can of shit that we didn't need to open when we did.  So Donny, you can shove that answer up your ass. 

And Wilson, I still say good on ya for standing up and being heard.

12-9-2004

Net Enigma.  We just try to conceal it from outsiders and interlopers.

Award

Spc. Thomas Wilson, YOU win the Biggest Set of Balls in America contest for facing down Donald Rumsfeld and asking him, "Where the fuck's our armor plate?"

Not in those exact words because nobody probably has balls big enough to ask it exactly like that...but ya came closer than anybody.

Rumsfeld spit out some answer about how they are trying to improve the armor on the Hummers and such, but let's face it, IED's are still blowing shit up and armor or not, they have to figure out a way to kill these guys before they can set up their bombs.

I do have one idea for how to do that though.  Delta operatives posing as news reporters.

That's right, news reporters.  When was the last time you tuned into your favorite 24 hour news channel and DIDN'T see tape of a bunch of armed terrorists running around shooting at people?  Some pool photographer must have shot that film and the gunmen figure, hey, free press. 

So I say put some Delta guys in cameraman togs, hand them a camera with a laser designator system in it and send them out.  While Osama bin Raghead is prancing in the street with his RPG, light him and his buddies up and drop a precision bomb on his ass from about 20,000 feet.  End of problem. 

12-8-2004

Net Enigma.  Let's break bread, discuss broads.

Quitting?

Kate Beckinsale is fed up with the tabloids.  So much so that in this article from IMDB she's quoted as saying she'd consider giving up acting:

Beckinsale May Quit over Tabloid Exposure

 Hollywood actress Kate Beckinsale is threatening to quit the movie industry, because she's fed up with reading so many false stories about herself. The Underworld beauty's fame rose to prominence this year bringing with it its fair share of problems and tabloid exposure. She says, "I feel like I'm in an odd new period where suddenly it's sort of, 'Ooh, here it all is', but I don't like it very much. "Recently, for instance, I keep reading stories about myself that are totally untrue. I find myself wondering, 'Do I love my job enough to put up with that?' And I'm not sure that I do."

Hmm.  Kate, if you ever decide to really give up the Hollywood scene and want to live out your life anonymously, give me a call. 

Quick cleanup

I did a quick link check on the site last night and cleaned up a few broken links.  So, there may be some old news stories that look like they should have links but don't anymore.

Also, probably for archive reasons, CNN has a tendency to change links on their articles...it was looking like a pain to go back and fix a lot of links from this site so I left them.  Deal.

12-6-2004

Net Enigma.  There's three things I don't do: Tan, date and sing in public.

Tips

Not a tip like "never pet a cat that's on fire," but more like $20.00 for delivering your mail, cutting your hair or being your doorman. It's the holidays and people are always wondering what they should tip the service people in their daily lives. That even includes baby sitters, nannies and the like.

Well, I have to tell you that as someone working in a "service industry," I tip exactly jack squat. I figure that's about what I get on a yearly basis, that's what I'm gonna give.

Let's face it people, the guy that delivers your mail, opens your door, cuts your hair or sits your baby all get paid well for doing that job and, if they didn't, maybe they should think about looking into new employment.  When your computer crashes in the middle of a major project and you need someone to recover months of work, email and everything else, you call me, and I do it because that's what I get paid for.  I don't get a Christmas bonus, I don't get a tip for a job well done and this year, I didn't even get a raise.  But I'm supposed to dole out $20+ and maybe a gift to the guy that brings me piles and piles of credit card offers, sweepstakes entries and grocery store ads?  Sorry, I don't think so.

And the guy that opens your door for you?  I don't know about you, but I've been opening my own door for about 29 years now and I've even been known to hold it open for women on occasion.  Where's my tip?  When I worked at Lowe's I used to help contractors sort through a hack of deck boards to find the magic pile that was straight and knot free, then loaded it into their truck.  Did I get a tip?  Nope, but I'm supposed to shell out to the girl that spent 15 minutes clipping my hair?  Maybe next time when you do some real work.

Don't get me wrong, these people have jobs, they do that job and they get paid for it.  And if they didn't do some of these jobs the world would be a much tougher place to live.  But the fact of the matter is they get paid to be there doing that job, and in one way or another, I'm already paying them to do it.  I don't feel the need to thank them with extra dead presidents that I could use for things like, oh, rent, electric and food.

The exception to this no tip rule I have are bartenders.  They feed me the drinks that make the rest of you bearable.  That I find deserving of a tip.

The Librarian: Quest for the Spear

Carsen: "The fate of the world is in my hands? That is so....sad.

Charlene: "God Help us all."

And God help me because I just watched this movie.  Just the title of this TNT original movie should have given me pause but since I work at a library system it's almost in my job description that I watch it. Staring Noah Wyle as Flynn Carsen, Jane Curtin as Charlene, Bob Newhart and Kyle MacLachlan, along with one of my dream girls, Kelly Hu, it seemed to have a descent Hollywood pedigree.

We learn that Flynn Carsen is a career student with something like 20 degrees. His current professor kicks him out of school telling him that he needs more experience in the real world.  As he wonders what he'll do with his life, Carsen gets a job interview with the Metropolitan Library.

He nails the interview by impressing Charlene, and Newhart's Judson, and is hired as The Librarian.  Cataloging books is not on the list, though, since this special library stores the most treasured items in the world like, oh, say The Ark of the Covenant, Excalibur and the goose that laid the golden egg.

At this point I realized that the whole thing must be some fantasy dream that Carsen is experiencing.

The cheese really hits the fan when Carsen is sent on a quest to find the three pieces of the Spear of Destiny.  With his body guard Nicole Noone, played by a really hot Sonya Walger, Carsen travels from the Amazon to the Himalayan's pursued by MacLachlan's Edward Wilde (who just happens to be the former Librarian) with his hot bodyguard, Kelly Hu, and his army of the Serpent Brotherhood.  Grate me some more mozzarella.

Rickety rope bridges, deadly booby traps, obvious librarian clichés and the cheesiest dialogue you can imagine ensues. 

The quest comes full circle when Wilde, after stealing the pieces of the spear from Carsen, returns to NY to reassemble them.  His neo-Nazi Serpent Brotherhood is assembled, Nicole is his prisoner and Carsen's only backup is the Marines.  Well, one Marine...Judson. 

Carsen and Wilde face off.  Noone and Hu face off (Side note, Hu's official role is cast as "Serpent Brotherhood Member."  I think she needs a new agent.).  Judson and the Nazi's face off.  Yo, hand me that gouda.

I'll let you guess who wins.  We wrap up the flick with Carsen and his mom having coffee and he's telling her that he enjoys his new job as The Librarian and that his girlfriend, Nicole, is great.  This is where he wakes up and it's all a dream...right?  Nope, this is where Nicole shows up on a motorcycle and whisks him off because someone just stole HG Wells' time machine.

Wait, wake up! Wake up!  The hell?  It's not a dream?  Well...huh.   Okay.  Gimme a hit of that pepper jack.

I'm not sure if this movie wanted to be Tomb Raider, The Mummy or one of the Indiana Jones movies...or if it just wanted to be fun.  I guess it scores in the "fun" category but, man, it was almost tough to watch at some points.  Throw all logic out the window and enjoy the film for what it is and I guess it's not a total waste of 2 hours.

And actually, you should almost watch this movie just to see Newhart kick the ass of a room full of gun-toting Nazi-wannabe's.  Two wheels of cheddar out of four but only because Nicole told Hu, during their showdown, to "Get your own geek." 

Okay, so it was funnier with a British accent.  And cleavage.  And Kelly Hu.

12-1-2004

Net Enigma.  Promising more porn than you can pound your cock too.

It's December 1st and as promised, the 2004 installment of Net Enigma's Advent Calendar of Porn is now on-line.  The link up top will take you to the calendar where each day you get to unwrap a new hottie.

Enjoy, but please, throw a paper towel over the keyboard first.  Ya dirty bastards.

Top 10 Words

Of the year, that is.  According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary the number 1 word was "BLOG."  Huh.  I wonder what that is?  Anyone?  Beuller?

In case you want to know what the top 10 words are, without reading that article, here they are:

1. blog
2. incumbent
3. electoral
4. insurgent
5. hurricane
6. cicada
7. peloton
8. partisan
9. sovereignty
10. defenestration

My goal is to have the top 10 look something like this next year:

1. bling bling
2. Alizé
3. chickenhead
4. crunk
5. shimmy
6. wanksta
7. coochie
8. skully
9. jammy
10. sesquipedalianism

What the Fuck?

In today's installment of "What the Fuck?" I give you this gem from the IMDB news service:

Kidman Lands in Guinness Book of Records

Nicole Kidman has made it into the 50th anniversary edition of the Guinness Book Of Records after becoming the highest paid actress in a commercial. The Aussie movie star netted $3.71 million for her part in a four-minute Baz Luhrmann-directed Chanel No.5 ad. The Guinness book editors note that the actress earned $928,800-per-minute.