You Might be a Redneck if...

Your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on saltines is an hors d'oeuvre.
Less than half the cars you own run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You've ever barbecued Spam on a grill.
The primary color of your car is "bondo."
You have a stuffed possum somewhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
The most common expression heard at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have ever used a weed hacker indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father wants you to quit high school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You thing a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You prominently display souvenirs from Graceland.
You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
You believe Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You smoked during your wedding.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
When asked to see your I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior prom had a day care center.
You know exactly how many bales of hay your car can hold.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The pink plastic flamingos in your yard were not placed as a joke.
Your family tree does not fork.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there more than a year.
You dress the kids up to go to K-Mart.
Your passenger-side window is a Hefty bag.
Your watchband is wider than any book you ever read.
You view duct tape as a long term investment.
Red Man chewing tobacco sent you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your 2 year-old has more teeth than you do.
If you take your dog for a walk and you and your dog use the same tree.
If you have ever had to carry paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sisters honor.
If you see a sign that says 'Just Say No to Crack' and it reminds you to pull your pants up.
If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
If you've ever financed a tattoo.
If you have ever mowed your lawn and found your car.
If you refer to the fifth grade as 'my senior year.'
If people ask permission to hunt in your front lawn.
If you own a home that is mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
If your wifes hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
The phrase most heard in your house is "Someone go jiggle the handle."
If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
If your wife has ever said: "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
If you have ever taken a beer to a job interview.
If you have ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
If someone hollars 'Ho Down' and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If the UFO hotline limits you to 1 call a day.
If you have ever been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate.
If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
If your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
If your grandmother can properly execute a sleeper hold.
If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
If you own a Waffle House credit card.
If you refer to your wife and your mother-in-law as dual air bags.
If you've had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
If your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front.